Stupid Stuff I've Done Part 2: Felonies & Misdemeanors

Best I can recall I have only committed two misdemeanors and two felonies. Now I wasn't arrestted or caught on any of these occasions, but based on my earlier blog about the healing power of confession I thought it might be good to bare the skeletons in my closet.

One of the misdemeanors was tresspassing and fishing without a state permit and I think we caught a number of bass beyond the Dept. of Natural Resources limits. So I don't know that you can really count that one. But one of the felonies was rather fun (did I just say that???) and probably should be in a movie somewhere.

Three buddies and I went on a camping trip to Indiana a few years ago and camped at a State Park. We went at the end of May so the part was pretty spacious and we camped back in a remote part designated for tents. We had a great time. We stopped at a grocery on the way and picked up some food for our trip. One of the guys had a hankering for burritoes so I bought a frozen burrito that he was going to cook over the campfire. I don't think it turned out very well. The fire was great, the weather was fine and we were pretty much alone in the park...except for the raccoons. Those dang animals were so used to people that they were coming up to our campsite trying to take our food.

They were a pain. So on our last night camping we had a plan. We had some leftover buns, brats and other things. We baited the entire area around our campsite and gathered in our tent. One guy manned a flashlight so that when coons came by we could flash it in their eyes and when we did that the raccoon would freeze and gaze into the lights. Another guy in the tent manned a large mug with a hole in the top that was perfect for holding bottle rockets. The other two guys lit the rockets and loaded the mug and we would try to send a bottle rocket in the coon's direction.

The little critters started coming out from everywhere to eat the bait. And we started firing away. We eventually caught one in the tail and he took off squealing into the thick woods. We laughed our heads off.

Now this is not something I am proud off looking back on it (I am a lover of animals, really!!!!). I'm sure this had to be one of the felonies with the potential to start a fire in a State Park and firing illegal contraband.But we were young and we had bottle rockets. Need I say more?

Stupid Stuff I've Done: Wrangling Rattlesnakes

Last night I drank a Mt. Dew at about 7pm. My wife warned me I'd be wide awake, but oh well. I turned on the St. Louis Cardinals baseball game and that was entertaining until a rain delay in about the 7th inning. I started channel surfing and landed on "Venom ER"- a show on one of those Discovery/TLC channels. The show follows around a real-life doctor in Yorba Linda, CA specializing in venomous bites by snakes and spiders.

In this episode a man is bitten by a small rattlesnake in the desert while out doing something -didn't catch the beginning. To make a long story short, the venom begins to destroy tissue, closes off airwaves and he eventually dies from a bite on the finger. WOW! I really didn't realize that the bite could cause so much incredible damage to the body.

What brings this into perspective is that my in-laws live in Yuma, AZ. Four or five years ago we were out there for Christmas along with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. My brother-in-law and I decided it would be fun (for some unknown reason) to go rattlesnake hunting. We headed off into the hills, and climbed around on the small mountains looking in crevaces and rocky habitats to try and spot a rattlesnake.

Knowing what I do now....what kind of idiots are we???!!!

Okay folks, here is my Top 5 list for the week. I'm baring all here, so please don't laugh too hard at my admissions...

1. The Mullet Era
The late 80's featured this hairstyle, jeans and t-shirt (preferrably black) in my neck of the woods along with cruising around in a Camaro or Trans Am. Luckily my Canadian roommate in college was much further down the road of style and helped usher me into the 90's.

2. The Breakdancing Era
So in the early to mid 80's Grandmaster Funk and others ushered in the rap and breakdancing craze. Some of us in the neighborhood broke down cardboard boxes in our garages, brought out the boombox and tried our own breakdance stylings.

3. The Cross Stitch Era
I was always interested in art and creative things so when the cross stitch craze hit when I was in grade school my Mom convinced me to give it a try. Just stab me in they eye. Luckily it only lasted a couple weeks and then I moved on to music and basketball.

4. The Kiss Trading Card Era
I was in the first or second grade when the group "Kiss" was big- toys, action figures, lunch boxes, stickers, etc. At school we'd spend time at recess trading Kiss trading cards.

5. The Pastel Izod Shirt Era
The brighter the better. Early 80's garb in pink, pale yellow, mint green, etc. Drape a sweater over the shoulder with khakis and loafers and you were a preppy stud.

Honorable Mention:

The Heavy Metal Era
I started playing guitar at age 14 and when you start playing, the more distortion on the guitar sound the better. There was Whitesnake, Winger, Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Poison and White Lion among many others. A fellow friend/musician advised that if I really wanted to become a good guitarist I would need to broaden my tastes and listen to some other genres. He handed me U2's "The Unforgettable Fire" and I remember returning it a couple days later telling him, "there is no way U2 is going to outlast White Lion." Sorry Bono.

The Listening to "Alabama" Era
"O, play me some mountain music...". Hey, I was in third grade. I didn't know better. I had just been through the Kenny Rogers era.

The Moonwalk Era
My late grade school days embraced Michael Jackson along with all my class mates. Moonwalking was practiced at school and everyone was moving to penny loafers. One of my friends even had the white glove. Just shoot me. Shoot me now.

Baseball, Milestones, Pujols & Bonds

I've been a baseball fan since I was 4 or 5 and went to my first game at Wrigley field to watch the Cubs. And when I say I am a "fan of baseball", that is exactly what I mean. I'm not a knock-down, dragged-out, die-hard, superfan of any team. I live near St. Louis and have for 16 years so naturally I enjoy watching the Cardinals and root for them. But at a young age living near Chicago I also rooted for the Cubs and White Sox. And then I moved to southern Indiana and rooted for the Reds. And when I went to that first Cubs game I was excited to watch the Cubbies, but just as excited to watch Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose and company as the Phillies visited town. My Dad even remembers a bunch of drunk Cub fans sitting behind us heckling Pete Rose and I turned around and told them, "be quiet, I like Pete Rose!!". As Dad recalls, they didn't say a whole lot after that.

So baseball is in my blood. February and spring training is invigorating. October is to die for. But this whole steroids issue has given me indegestion. I was rooting on McGwire as he tried to outlast Swingin' Sammy Sosa a few years ago in pursuit of the ultimate home run milestone, but now I feel like the kid speaking to Shoeless Joe Jackson of the early 1900's Chicago Black Sox; "say it isn't so."

McGwire and Sosa have retired and Rafael Palmeiro, another homer hero who testified before Congress regarding steroid use, is sitting in his own purgatory after being suspended for steroid use last year. But there is still Barry Bonds. And for reasons obvious, it doesn't rest well that he is about ready to break Babe Ruth's record and continue on towards Hank Aaron's milestone of most home runs in a career.

But there is new hope. Albert Pujols is on record pace to eclipse Barry's record of 73 homers in a season. As stated before, I root for the Cardinals but bigger than Redbird Nation, I am a BASEBALL fan and for that reason I am pulling for Pujols to continue his torid trek towards usurping Bond's 73.

Why? He is one of the most dangerous hitters in the game today, able to make contact, score runs, drive in runners and possessing a flair for the dramatic and producing in the clutch. But beyond his brazen disregard for pitcher's egoes (see Brad Lidge), the guy works to be good pouring over video and continuously trying to get better. He can adjust within an at bat. He is the biggest cheerleader on his team. He plays with a smile on his face. He talks to reporters and fans. The team is bigger than personal accolades. He values family, children and his faith before the game that has been so good to him. So I'm rooting for Albert.

If he is able to break Bond's single season records it would restore some of the ire behind this record that Barry currently holds in a game so hinged on stats. Move over "Barry Woe-is-me". There's a new man in town that is as much a fan of baseball as he is star of baseball.

Dissecting Confession

I remember at a young age getting caught for something I wasn't suppossed to do. We were at my grandparent's place along with my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. My Grandfather was a huge hunter and fisherman so a trip to their place meant an inevitable excursion to nab a bluegill or gig a bullfrog. My cousin and I were anxious to go hunting for frogs so Grandpa promised a trip after his regular nap. Our parents went to visit family, Grandpa was sawing logs, and my cousin and I went outside to play.

You remember "Sanford and Son" and how he lived in that junkyard? Yep, that was my grandfather's pickup truck full of fishing gear, paint cans, brushes and other assorted junk he had happened to pick up here and there. We located the frog gig and took it over to the creek for a little, let's say, practice. I don't think it was 5 minutes and we had broken the pole. Reluctantly, we went back and woke up Grandpa to explain what had happened. By his grace, he forgave us and then told us he was not going to tell our dads because he knew they would keep us from going hunting later.

Whew!!! You talk about a relief! Now what I didn't tell you is that we probably hemmed and hawwed outside for about 10 minutes trying to decide whether to lie about what had happened, confess or make a mad dash to Kentucky.

So as I look back and try to dissect this episode there are 4 things that stick out to me...

1. No one ever intends to get in the pickle they are in.
So many times we have a limited vision of our surrounding environment or circumstnaces. We can't look at the big picture and get a sense of the ramifications and ripple effect. But here is where our trials and tribulations create character- we now have one more set of experiences by which and through which we make better decisions the next time a similar situation arises. It's no longer a precedent moment. To me, only through confession can we fully deposit the experience and build that character. Otherwise, we justify and excuse the matter residing ourselves to probably commit the same mistake next time. Confession breeds caution.

2. When we're in the pickle, we stand at the crossroads of what to do.
You've been there. We've made the mistake, now what do we do? Man's nature is to blame others, cast off the issue as a victim of society or something else. Adam did it to Eve! The hardest road will be confession. But once we have been through it and chosen confession, it makes it that much easier that next time. Confession breeds courage.

3. The most painful part is the admission to one's self.
Humans possess the uncanny ability to justify anything we say or do! We can blame others, we can claim ignorance, we can even distort the whole scenario within our heads making ourselves believe we actually said something else or reacted a different way. But if we would step out and take a risk I think you will find that the practice of confessing will have a more postive effect on your self-image and self-esteem than just trying to deflect the problem or get away with a cover-up. The attempt to get by, in most cases, will result in guilt or the failure to forgive one's self. Confession breeds character.

4. We can often be surprised by the outcome.
Depending on the nature of the problem, it will likely still result in some consequences. But practicing confession has the ability to transcend; we feel better that we have it off our chest, we experience forgiveness from an individual or we find out that it wasn't a big deal or some other surprising outcome. I found myself in the story above beginning to look beyond the pressing reality that I might not get to go frog hunting and focusing on the trust factor with my grandfather. That was the motivating factor for my cousin and I to confess. We felt better when we did. We were surprised by Grandpa's reaction. And as a result I have found myself being empathetic with people being real and fessing up when they have done wrong. Confession breeds compassion.

Top 5 List: "Foods that get a bad rap but shouldn't"

Okay, some of you emailed me and were clamouring for another Top 5 list before next week. So to satisfy your yearnings, I present: The Top 5 Foods that get a bad rap but shouldn't...

1. Pig Snout
No, I take that back. Pig Snout is a grotesque delicacy, should not be eaten, and deserves every bit of the bad rap it gets. Curse you Pig Snout, may you die a thousand deaths.

2. Frog Legs
Tastes like chicken, seriously. I've tried it. Used to go frog hunting as a kid with my grandfather.

3. Water Chestnuts
I guess it is a vegetable. Gives a nice crunch to casseroles and Chinese food. The best is when it is wrapped with bacon and soaked in soy sauce and brown sugar.

4. Pork butt
Ok, people, "pork butt" is just a term- it is not really the rear end of a pig. It actually hails from the shoulder and might be referred to as a Boston Butt or Pork Shoulder. This is where you get the delicious bbq pulled pork from.

5. The gool 'ole Coconut
Now I'll agree that shaved cocunut inserted in cookies or chocolate isn't that great; just crunchy like grass. But fresh cocunut is a sustaining, aromatic food. Besides they're fun to try and open.

Top 5 List: "Shows I don't watch but would be most likely to..."

Inspired by lists by my good buddy, Tim, I have decided to add a "Top 5" list each week. So to kick off this little experiment I've decided to list the Top 5 shows I don't watch but would most likely view if I were so inclined:

1. 24
Kiefer Sutherland is just a cool actor. Loved him since "Stand by Me". And living in this day of terror-awareness, shouldn't we be mindful of our new world and what could potentialy happen? It might help us all be prepared and on the lookout for suspicious activity.

2. Lost
Okay, I don't know much about this one but saw the preview where the plane ripped open. I want to know how people survived that! Plus, its filmed in Hawaii, a place I have never been but desperately want to visit someday. And it has a hobbit as a character.

3. Without a Trace
Looks like a good mystery show.

4. Cold Case
I like closure.

5. The New Adventures of Old Christine
It has an old Seinfeld cast member as the main character. It takes me back..

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves...
So I'm trying to compile a litany of pet peeves. I think it might be therapeutic to list them out and maybe it will relieve some of the angst in life. Please take a moment to post a comment and add to my list. Together we can make this a bettter place!!

1. The term "pet peeves". Aren't pets something we love and adore? "Pet peeves" are not.
2. People who leave Christmas decorations up past March 1.
3. Post it notes. The idea of the stickiness is so that you can attach them somewhere like a fridge. When I do that they end up on the floor!
4. The silent "R" in February.
5. Using the term "Coke" to describe any carbonated beverege.
6. The word "moist". Just don't like it.
7. Movies or halftime shows where guitar players don't even have their instruments plugged into an amplifier.
8. When someone calls at 11pm and says, "I hate to bother you, but..."
9. Having a CSI show for every metropolitan area.
10. When the young bag boy at the grocery says "there you go, bud" or "thanks, bud"

What's in a Name

A few nights ago I pulled out my collection of John Mellencamp tunes to take a listen. He's gone by a few names- John Cougar, Johnny Cougar, John Cougar Mellencamp, and now John Mellencamp.

Personally, I like John Cougar Mellencamp...
1. There are three parts to his name. I mean that says "sophistication" right there.
2. The first part is "John". Common name. Common man. Can relate to the people.
3. The second part is "Cougar". Agressive. By itself, as in John Cougar, he may come off too over-the-top. But combined with John and Mellencamp there is a nice balance. Also, the cougar has to be one of the sleekest of the cat family.
4. The third part is "Mellencamp". By itself it is a little odd. Sounds melancholy. But having the root word, "camp", in it makes me feel at peace; like he's a counselor or something. Can picture him at a campfire eating smores with us and he pulls out his acoustic guitar..."here's a ditty, about Jack and Dianne..."
5. It rolls off the tongue nicely.

So I've been thinking about names. Names can say a lot about us. I can't say I particulary love my name, but I've had it a long time and gotten used to it. Had a cousin that joked he wanted to name their first child "Thor".

Names carry a certain history and usually have a story behind them. Names carry a source of sentiment with them. For exampe, as a kid I wished my first name was Ryan, Clark or Carson. But then I saw the "Vacation" movies, was introduced to Ryan Seacrest and there was Carson Daly... I'm content with my name now.

What images are conjured up when people hear my name? Is it positive? Is it negative? How have I impacted the family name?

New Perspectives

I was reminded of the movie "Dead Poet's Society" this weekend. In one scene Robin William's character is in the classroom standing on his desk and says he does it to get a different perspective in life and then invites his students to check it out, to look at the world from a different angle.

So I tried it this morning. I walked to work a different route. Now there's nothing wrong with the route I had been using. Ten minute walking commute with a hill each way, great exercise, pretty view at the house on the corner with their homemade fence and garden. It is just that I have been walking that same path for four years now. Could probably do it in my sleep. I'm comfortable with it. So today I walked down a different street.

It wasn't bad. I shaved 30 seconds off my time. There were different houses. Noticed one with a red door that I hadn't really looked at before that looked like a nice home. Saw a large branch that had fallen out of a tree, likely the victim of one of the recent storms. Crossed paths with a new kid who looked like he was in jr. high headed to school. A new path.

It was a minor change in routine, but by my nature I like routines. But the problem with our lifestyle schedules is that they can get stale and they don't suffice. We get bored, lazy, content to get by. When did life become mundane? Where have the days of rockclimbing and bike trips gone? Exciting high school basketball games and the thrill of heading to a theme park? Playing in the rock quarries and going to camp? Guess I thought I'd consume them, pack the memories and would be able to pull them out on a rainy day to remind myself of those moments. But those memories become like Monday night's leftovers that are stored in the fridge to be eaten later and then forgotten till trash day comes up in a couple of weeks.

So today I walked down a different street. And I'll start with some baby steps as I try to see the world from a new perspective (easing my routine nature into the daring)....

-I'm going to watch a TV show I've never watched
-I'll go to a new restaurant next time we go out to eat
-I'll talk to someone I've never met before, today
-I'll learn one new thing about my co-workers this week
-I'll start reading a new book
-I'll listen to a new music artist today
-I'll try to make a new friend this month
-I'll try a new food that I've never eaten before this week

Oh yeah, I also got chased by a dog the size of "The Beast" from the movie "Sandlot" today.

My Daughter and the "H" Word

I didn't think it would come to this. Not so early in life. Not her. This moment had been rolling through my grey matter since the day we brought her home from the hospital. How would we raise her? How would we deal with those important questions like, "what happened to my fish?" But here we were enjoing a nice lunch at a restaurant, eating outside on the patio and a restless three-year-old was getting grumpy.

I thought I'd already been through the hardest time with her last summer when we put to sleep our 8-year-old golden retriever, Zoey. She was doing fine until we said our goodbyes and started out to the waiting room where our good friend Steve was sitting to help me take our pet to their farm for burial. As we headed down the hall the vet started Zoey the other way but she was fighting and wimpering and Carrigan was reaching over my shoulders for her calling out, "my Zoey! my Zoey!" By the time I got to the waiting room and met up with Steve I lost it. Not because of what was happening to Zoey, but just knowing that Carrigan didn't understand why we were doing what we were doing. For all she knew we were just taking away something precous to her. She still couldn't comprehend what we had been trying to explain to her that Zoey was sick and she would need to stay at the vet's. I knew it would be the beginning of many unanswered questions in her life and the first of many heartaches. I think visions of coming times pierced my heart more than what was currently happening- like Carrigan's first breakup, first fight with a friend, dealing with the death of a loved one.

But here we were on beautiful 70 degree day with nary a cloud in the sky. She didn't want to sit still, didn't want to eat and when I tried to get her to stop flashing everyone with her Little Mermaid underwear, she lashed out, " I hate you, Daddy!" Oww, that hurt. At first I snickered as well as all those around us within earshot. But then the sting set in. Did she just say that? Did I really hear that? I thought I had a good 4-5 years before I'd hear that coming from her mouth. Maybe, if we were model parents and our relationship was incredible it would hold off until 13. But no, I got three years.

Why do words hurt so much? I think it has something to do with the connected emotions and our insatiable need to be liked and accepted, to feel loved and needed. I feel something deep within about you and use words to release that emotion---- "I hate you", "You're such a jerk", cursing, putting down, biting sarcasm.----and now I've pushed your buttons and made you feel something deep within, whether it be invalidation, unacceptance or something else. My guess is that you'll lash out to release the tension of emotion. I heard a speaker describe this as "the dance".

I'm going to try not to retaliate. By the way, Carrigan now sees pictures of Zoey and talks about her how she was her puppy and now lives in Poland where my brother-in-law and sister-in-law live. Whatever works. And she probably doesn't remember saying the "H" word yesterday either

"Dilbertized"- Cartoon Come to Life

Since I work in technology, staff members in our office are big Dilbert fans. In one that caught our eyes a few months ago, Dilbert is asked to complete a task and he says no problem he'll just need his co-worker to do this, this and this. The co-worker retracts his request.

It was a good laugh but we've begun to think we could employ this concept for requests from people that are really just being lazy or don't want to complete a task on their own even though they have the means to do so. Here is an example of how it could work...

An employee is complaining about issues installing software because his hard drive is full and asks if we can help. We say"sure" and notice right away that he has about 40Gb of itunes. And the dialogue might go like this...

Tech: Yeah, we have the software package you wanted to install here. Unfortunately, you do not have the hard drive space to install right now. Your hard drive is basically full of itunes. If you think you can get some of them backed up today I think I can get this finished for you by the time we close.
Employee: Oh, ok. Sure, I don't really need all those songs on there. Could I free up space by archiving those songs to CD?
Tech: Archiving is a great idea since they're personal files and not job-related. That will allow us to install the software you need.
Employee: Fantastic! So do you think you could backup those songs to CD and get the software installed by the end of the day?
Tech: I think that might be very possible but I really can't make a promise since emergencies could pop up and we have several other work orders in queue along with yours. I've got an idea though... we have an extra cd burner that we would be glad to loan you and with Windows XP you will have the built-in capability of burning those song to CD. Plus, you will be able to verify that you have everything backed up before we proceed- I'd feel more comfortable with that. Can I bring the burner over to you?
Employee: Ohhhh.... you know what, I just don't think I'm going to have the time to get that done today. And you know, that software installation can probably wait until next fall. I won't be using it till then. Why don't you just hold on to the burner and when I'm ready I'll come see you.
Tech: Ok. Well please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help you.


The employee in our story was just "Dilbertized"!